Tow Straps and Cultivating

"Honey, are you driving?" my mom asked gently, obviously concerned. "yes," I sniffed, "but I cry in my throat, not my eyes, I can see fine." (it's true. I almost never have tears, but by the sound of it you'd think I'd be wise to invest in tissues stock)

After four therapy sessions back to back, listening to people talk about the immense struggles facing them on a daily basis, I had rushed to a group project meeting, and then to class where I heard my colleagues processing much of the same. The moment my professor walked out of the room at the end of class, I put my head down on my desk and started to cry - did I choose the right profession?

I was still crying an hour later on the phone with my mom when abruptly, I stopped, "mom, I have to go. some lady is stalled on the bridge and I'm going to see if she needs a tow."

It was a quick shift, and even as a I pulled over, a part of me said, "Sarah, it's not your problem. Someone else will help that person. You are exhausted, you're literally crying on the phone right now about how overwhelmed you are. You do not have to stop to help a stranger. It's 2018, she's probably already called for help. There are professionals who fix things like this, Sarah. Keep driving."

And yet the instinct kicked in, my window rolled down, "Do you need help?" She looked out her window surprised, "Oh my gosh. Yes, please."

I pulled my truck in front of hers, pushed up the sleeves on my blazer, and hopped out. "You're an angel," she said. I smiled, my eyes undoubtedly still red from dry-crying. "No, I'm not." I replied, "The world is a good place, and it's full of good people. I'm just one of them."

I don't know why that's what popped out of my mouth, but it did. Word for word.

She cocked her head, "you're right. I've had a shit week, and this feels like you're saving my life, but you're right. The world is a good place and it's full of good people. Ok, how do we do this?"

I hooked the tow strap to her truck, talked her though how to drive a towed vehicle, and got her to the nearest gas station. It was all she needed - just a little bit of fuel. She gave me a hug, and I headed home, my heart somehow much lighter.

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I shared earlier this month on instagram that my goal this year is to focus on this simple phrase, "Life is not meant to be coped with but cultivated."

Regardless of the challenges of the schedule, or the myriad of unexpected struggles that will inevitably come my way, I want to live with clear values pulling me toward something, not a knee jerk reaction of self-preservation.

There is no formula to life - no one right way to parent, to fall in love, to fail, to recover, to spend your time, your money, or your energy. But there is one sure way to do it wrong: to just follow along in the current of a river you didn't choose.

Every day, every moment, a choice is right in front of us. Cope or cultivate. I'm learning that if you can't identify what you're cultivating at any given moment, it's likely you're either coping endlessly or cultivating recklessly. Maybe both.

In the moment I decided to pull over on the bridge, what I needed more than my continued verbal processing (which had actually turned to coping) was to cultivate my firm belief that we live in a world where people will help one another and be kind. If no one else was stopped to help that stalled truck, I would stop - not because I had to, but because in that moment, I chose to cultivate a neighborhood and world of spontaneous kindness.

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Coping seems easier than cultivating when we're deciding between the two. But fast forward just a bit through time, and we see what havoc coping leaves in it's wake. Instead of trust, there is fear. Instead of strength, there is exhaustion. Instead of friends, there are enemies. Instead of kids who are rooted in belonging, there are kids rooted in competition and performance. Instead of thriving families, there are broken homes. Instead of recovery, there is heart-shattering addiction. Instead of dreams, there are walls. Instead of peace, there is simmering or full-blown war.

Coping is simply a postponement of peace for the sake of quiet; cultivating is embrace of the mess for the sake of peace and restoration. 

Choosing between coping and cultivating is not painless, but pretending we don't have a choice brings it's own crueler pain. On one hand, we accept the pain that comes with an intentional choice, and on the other we believe we are victims of pain that came from our refusal to choose.

The thing about coping & cultivating is that they become habits and cycles. The longer you cope, the harder it is to cultivate. Thankfully, the opposite is also true: the longer you cultivate, the more impossible you'll find it to cope. 

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So what are you cultivating? Do you have that dream, that value, that truth of solid bedrock under your feet? Where are you coping? Does that just need to be re-framed or does it need to be ditched completely?  

Some of these things will stay the same your whole life through, while others will change in different seasons of life. The key isn't just in how you answer the question "cope or cultivate", it's your willingness to even ask it at all. 

Ask it. Even if it's terrifying. Maybe something needs a "no" even though everything around you is telling you "yes". Maybe you know it's time for that "yes" even though the gremlins have given you a list of "no's" longer than your arm. Ask it. 

Because in two years from now, in ten years from now, in fifty years from now, you'll wake up and look around: what will you see? A life built from coping or from cultivating?

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I don't know much about what life will look like in the next two years, or what curve balls will be thrown my way. But I trust when I get there, it will be familiar, peaceful, and purposeful - a place I have cultivated, grown out of choice, watered on purpose.

And in the meantime, I will keep looking hopelessness in the eye so I can show it the door, I'll keep trekking into the muck to stand next to a bogged down soul, and I'll keep hooking up tow straps, pushing up my sleeves, and looking into the eyes of strangers to say, "The world is a good place, and it's full of good people. Let's get you fueled up. Chances are, someone is waiting on a tow from you just down the road. We'll make sure you get there."

And if you're stranded right now, feeling lonely and overwhelmed, just turn on your emergency lights. Someone's about to pull over with a tow strap. I just know it.