"Read it again!" she said, as we closed Bedtime Stories for Rebel Girls. Even though I consider myself an intelligent person, I had only heard of roughly 25% of the women in this book, and would have happily re-read it. "Do you want to?" I asked my son. "No." he said flatly, and walked out of the room.
It's an incredible time to be a woman. With decreasing pay-gaps, #MeToo movements, more women in higher education than ever before, and increasing acceptance of and equality for women in the work-force at every level, it is a great time to be a woman. And, it is a great time to raise a daughter.
But, it is a hard time to raise a son. With lowering male education rates, white males being almost the sole perpetrators of mass gun violence, and the (justified) exposé of all the fallout caused by male privilege, it is a hard time to raise a man. Especially a white one.
I am raising both.
And over this past year, I have become increasingly aware of a massive gap in the feminist movement. A gap that, I think, is significantly contributing to the crisis our boys and men increasingly face.
Simply put, in the push for women to have it all (of which I am a firm supporter), we have not pushed for men to have the same.
Women are encouraged to pursue careers, have families if they wish, be bold, speak up, adventure, wear whatever they please. Women are allowed to be emotional, love cooking, have a good cry, and be driven. Speak up. Shatter glass ceilings. Increasingly, women are praised for leaving their traditional roles of care-givers, home-makers, and child-raisers in order to pursue a career, run for office, or disrupt a male-dominated status quo.
And so it should be.
But, and this is a huge BUT, men are not afforded the same limitless, blow-the-walls-off-your-gendered-expectations environment.
Men are still praised for being career-driven, strong, stoic, leaders, innovators, and confident but they are not praised for taking on traditional feminine roles of care-giving, home-making, self-care, and child-raising. More significantly, they are not praised for demonstrating traditionally feminine emotions like excitement, fear, enjoyment of their own beauty, sadness, tenderness, compassion, or grace.
Until we start valuing all components of what it is to be human, both the traditionally feminine and the traditionally masculine, we will continue to undercut huge swathes of our population.
The era of the 1950s wife and husband roles is gone, and I doubt it will return. But our perpetuation of those gendered stereotypes, and especially our elevation of masculine traits, continues today, even in twisted feminist movements.
If all we're doing is encouraging women to take on traditionally male roles, characteristics, and traits, but not encouraging men to take on traditionally feminine roles, characteristics, and traits, we're simply perpetuating the elevation of masculinity, but with a fashionable purse over it's shoulder. To truly accomplish equity of genders, we have to honor both the traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine - regardless of the gender of the person who manifests it.
What does the current elevation of the masculine look like from a modern parenting perspective? It's pervasive.
I can find legos in blue and pink. I can find soccer balls in blue and pink. I can find Spiderman and Wonderwoman costumes. I can find Luke Skywalker and Rey costumes.
But I cannot find dolls marketed for my son (they come in pink boxes, and are in the girls aisle), even though he loves to play imagination games. I cannot find art kits for my son (though he makes a mean lanyard). I cannot find a cooking set for my son (though he adores sweets in a way I didn't even know was possible, and I'm sure would love to make them).
And yes, of course, I can get around all of those things, and I am. But no matter how hard I work to show them a counter-narrative, the message to both my children is loud and clear: certain traits are allowed for women and not for men.
And those are the traits we need most of all to maintain the heart of our humanity. Traits of tenderheartedness, perseverance, compassion, gentleness, empathy, resilience, and yes, even fear and especially sadness.
I can find book after book after book for my daughter modeling all of those things. I cannot find those books for my son.
It is easy to find books for my daughter about girls modeling innovation, leadership, strength, warriorhood, fierceness, bravery, courage, and other more traditionally masculine traits.
But in fact, and even more shockingly, I cannot find an equivalent of even those traits for my son.
While I can find countless magazines, books, and shows that elevate the wholeness of humanity embodied in female characters, I cannot find it for my son. I cannot even find masculine characters modeling only positive, traditional masculine traits of strength, leadership, and courage - unless those resources are also laden with dominance, oppression, and violence.
Her books are Bedtime Stories for Rebel Girls, I Dissent: a story about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Fancy Nancy Detective. His are Captain Underpants, Big Nate, the Bad Guys, and Farticus.
I cannot find age appropriate books for him that model the traditionally feminine or positive masculine. I cannot find role models in age-appropriate music, television, or sports who embrace men taking on the traditionally feminine.
And so my husband and I are piecing it together, and valiantly trying to show him that just as much as his sister is allowed to do it all, so is he.
Friends, our children, especially our boys, desperately need this counter-narrative. And they need it modeled through more men. We all do. We need it modeled through men who cry, who are tender-hearted, who love care-giving, diaper-changing, and who sometimes feel so afraid or so excited.
And ladies? We have to honor them for it and make space for them to fill.
I hated it the first time my husband told me he was afraid. I wanted him to be my protector. But he did not hate it when I said I wanted to go back to grad school and needed more help with the kids. He stepped right in.
When he cries, I still sometimes find myself instinctively chuckling, uncomfortable at a man's tears. When I rant about politics, religion, or economics, he engages and tells me he loves my mind.
When he said he loved babies, at first I teased him, "how cuuute." Then we had babies, and he ran laps around me in patience, ability to soothe them, and enjoyment of their gross noises. When I said I needed to go back to work, he said, "do it."
When he didn't stand up for me when another man made a suggestive comment about my body, I turned to him, "why didn't you defend me?" I asked, upset. "You wanted me to fight for you?" he asked. "You don't need me to do that. Besides, I'm not a fighter. You are."
Ladies, we have so much work to do in allowing our men to also fill all the space we're rightly asking to fill ourselves.
And men - this is on you, too. Please stop denying your "feminine traits." Please stop mocking your brothers who show those traits unabashedly. Take a note from women who are confidently stepping into careers, while still raising families, being politically involved, and finishing every week with a bar of chocolate and a good cry. Fill the space - all the space. There is actually enough space for us all.
That's feminism.
It's not my gender above yours, or my gender is allowed (fill in the blank) but yours isn't. Feminism, real feminism is simply this: we are all valuable, we all hold equal weight, and all positive traits are of equal & essential value, regardless of the genitalia of the human who houses them.
And no, we don't have to individually do it all. But collectively we do, and gender needs to move aside in the conversation. Women can be strong, tenderhearted, and dislike babies. Men can be compassionate, leaders, and have a skin-care routine. What has to stop is the labeling of characteristics in a punitive way based on the gender of the one that embodies whatever trait it is (ie - gentle men being 'softies' and assertive women being 'bossy'. Would you call a gentle woman "soft", or an assertive man "bossy"? Probably not).
Our children are watching, and our girls know, without a doubt, and will increasingly know: they can do anything. But our boys don't. And it's showing - in increasing violence, suicide, depression, and risky behavior. Our boys are lost, because they don't have a space to fill.
But there is so much space to fill. There is so much need for strong, compassionate, wise, gentle, brave, assertive, patient, confident, self-loving, and humble leaders and role models.
And I really believe we can do it. And I really believe, one day, it won't be about being "a man" or being a "a woman", it will be about being "a person."
Our kids are growing up, and in a decade from now, they'll be a part of the voting block, in two decades from now, they'll be a large contingent of consumers and drive the economy, and in three decades from now they'll be our political, economic, and spiritual leaders. Who are we raising them to be? What are we teaching them about the value of others? Of themselves? How are we modeling it now? Their future, and ours, depends on how we intentionally answer that question - in both word, and in action.
****
if you have any resources you've found that elevate all of the traits we need as humans, especially resources for boys, please send them my way!
****
ps - while exceptions can be found to almost every statement I made in this article, I intentionally chose to speak in broad terms in order to simplify the point. I know plenty of women who make space for men, and plenty of men who fill that space well. I know there are resources for my son, a dear friend recently shared a long list I can't wait to check out (and will likely post here), but they were much, much harder to find than for my daughter. I also acknowledge the large percentage of people who still hold and value traditional gender roles and traits; even though it is not my own, I respect this perspective when it is agreed upon by all involved in those systems (and I have plenty of people in my life, who I love, who would fall in this camp).
No article that addresses gender norms and touches on issues of racism and systemic oppression can be of any reasonable length and still incorporate all of the different perspectives, influences, and factors at play. I did my best to highlight what felt relevant to the main point, and sincerely acknowledge there are other voices that also need to weigh in on this conversation. My hope is that we begin to learn from those we disagree with, honoring difference, and reducing the threat-response we feel when someone says we are wrong (I'm still working on all of that, too , and I really hope you'll join me if you haven't already :)).
****
one reader astutely noted traits like "integrity" and "honesty" weren't listed in this blog and wondered why (thanks for the question!). Many life-giving characteristics were left out because they, in my opinion, have not traditionally been ascribed to one gender and were subsequently not as suited for the primary point of this post. Both men and women have, and continue to be, praised for things like integrity, honesty, generosity, self-control, wisdom, and more.
We absolutely need these traits continually embodied by all people.
It's an incredible time to be a woman. With decreasing pay-gaps, #MeToo movements, more women in higher education than ever before, and increasing acceptance of and equality for women in the work-force at every level, it is a great time to be a woman. And, it is a great time to raise a daughter.
But, it is a hard time to raise a son. With lowering male education rates, white males being almost the sole perpetrators of mass gun violence, and the (justified) exposé of all the fallout caused by male privilege, it is a hard time to raise a man. Especially a white one.
I am raising both.
And over this past year, I have become increasingly aware of a massive gap in the feminist movement. A gap that, I think, is significantly contributing to the crisis our boys and men increasingly face.
Simply put, in the push for women to have it all (of which I am a firm supporter), we have not pushed for men to have the same.
Women are encouraged to pursue careers, have families if they wish, be bold, speak up, adventure, wear whatever they please. Women are allowed to be emotional, love cooking, have a good cry, and be driven. Speak up. Shatter glass ceilings. Increasingly, women are praised for leaving their traditional roles of care-givers, home-makers, and child-raisers in order to pursue a career, run for office, or disrupt a male-dominated status quo.
And so it should be.
But, and this is a huge BUT, men are not afforded the same limitless, blow-the-walls-off-your-gendered-expectations environment.
Men are still praised for being career-driven, strong, stoic, leaders, innovators, and confident but they are not praised for taking on traditional feminine roles of care-giving, home-making, self-care, and child-raising. More significantly, they are not praised for demonstrating traditionally feminine emotions like excitement, fear, enjoyment of their own beauty, sadness, tenderness, compassion, or grace.
Until we start valuing all components of what it is to be human, both the traditionally feminine and the traditionally masculine, we will continue to undercut huge swathes of our population.
The era of the 1950s wife and husband roles is gone, and I doubt it will return. But our perpetuation of those gendered stereotypes, and especially our elevation of masculine traits, continues today, even in twisted feminist movements.
If all we're doing is encouraging women to take on traditionally male roles, characteristics, and traits, but not encouraging men to take on traditionally feminine roles, characteristics, and traits, we're simply perpetuating the elevation of masculinity, but with a fashionable purse over it's shoulder. To truly accomplish equity of genders, we have to honor both the traditionally masculine and traditionally feminine - regardless of the gender of the person who manifests it.
What does the current elevation of the masculine look like from a modern parenting perspective? It's pervasive.
I can find legos in blue and pink. I can find soccer balls in blue and pink. I can find Spiderman and Wonderwoman costumes. I can find Luke Skywalker and Rey costumes.
But I cannot find dolls marketed for my son (they come in pink boxes, and are in the girls aisle), even though he loves to play imagination games. I cannot find art kits for my son (though he makes a mean lanyard). I cannot find a cooking set for my son (though he adores sweets in a way I didn't even know was possible, and I'm sure would love to make them).
And yes, of course, I can get around all of those things, and I am. But no matter how hard I work to show them a counter-narrative, the message to both my children is loud and clear: certain traits are allowed for women and not for men.
And those are the traits we need most of all to maintain the heart of our humanity. Traits of tenderheartedness, perseverance, compassion, gentleness, empathy, resilience, and yes, even fear and especially sadness.
I can find book after book after book for my daughter modeling all of those things. I cannot find those books for my son.
It is easy to find books for my daughter about girls modeling innovation, leadership, strength, warriorhood, fierceness, bravery, courage, and other more traditionally masculine traits.
But in fact, and even more shockingly, I cannot find an equivalent of even those traits for my son.
While I can find countless magazines, books, and shows that elevate the wholeness of humanity embodied in female characters, I cannot find it for my son. I cannot even find masculine characters modeling only positive, traditional masculine traits of strength, leadership, and courage - unless those resources are also laden with dominance, oppression, and violence.
Her books are Bedtime Stories for Rebel Girls, I Dissent: a story about Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Fancy Nancy Detective. His are Captain Underpants, Big Nate, the Bad Guys, and Farticus.
I cannot find age appropriate books for him that model the traditionally feminine or positive masculine. I cannot find role models in age-appropriate music, television, or sports who embrace men taking on the traditionally feminine.
And so my husband and I are piecing it together, and valiantly trying to show him that just as much as his sister is allowed to do it all, so is he.
Friends, our children, especially our boys, desperately need this counter-narrative. And they need it modeled through more men. We all do. We need it modeled through men who cry, who are tender-hearted, who love care-giving, diaper-changing, and who sometimes feel so afraid or so excited.
And ladies? We have to honor them for it and make space for them to fill.
I hated it the first time my husband told me he was afraid. I wanted him to be my protector. But he did not hate it when I said I wanted to go back to grad school and needed more help with the kids. He stepped right in.
When he cries, I still sometimes find myself instinctively chuckling, uncomfortable at a man's tears. When I rant about politics, religion, or economics, he engages and tells me he loves my mind.
When he said he loved babies, at first I teased him, "how cuuute." Then we had babies, and he ran laps around me in patience, ability to soothe them, and enjoyment of their gross noises. When I said I needed to go back to work, he said, "do it."
When he didn't stand up for me when another man made a suggestive comment about my body, I turned to him, "why didn't you defend me?" I asked, upset. "You wanted me to fight for you?" he asked. "You don't need me to do that. Besides, I'm not a fighter. You are."
Ladies, we have so much work to do in allowing our men to also fill all the space we're rightly asking to fill ourselves.
And men - this is on you, too. Please stop denying your "feminine traits." Please stop mocking your brothers who show those traits unabashedly. Take a note from women who are confidently stepping into careers, while still raising families, being politically involved, and finishing every week with a bar of chocolate and a good cry. Fill the space - all the space. There is actually enough space for us all.
That's feminism.
It's not my gender above yours, or my gender is allowed (fill in the blank) but yours isn't. Feminism, real feminism is simply this: we are all valuable, we all hold equal weight, and all positive traits are of equal & essential value, regardless of the genitalia of the human who houses them.
And no, we don't have to individually do it all. But collectively we do, and gender needs to move aside in the conversation. Women can be strong, tenderhearted, and dislike babies. Men can be compassionate, leaders, and have a skin-care routine. What has to stop is the labeling of characteristics in a punitive way based on the gender of the one that embodies whatever trait it is (ie - gentle men being 'softies' and assertive women being 'bossy'. Would you call a gentle woman "soft", or an assertive man "bossy"? Probably not).
Our children are watching, and our girls know, without a doubt, and will increasingly know: they can do anything. But our boys don't. And it's showing - in increasing violence, suicide, depression, and risky behavior. Our boys are lost, because they don't have a space to fill.
But there is so much space to fill. There is so much need for strong, compassionate, wise, gentle, brave, assertive, patient, confident, self-loving, and humble leaders and role models.
And I really believe we can do it. And I really believe, one day, it won't be about being "a man" or being a "a woman", it will be about being "a person."
Our kids are growing up, and in a decade from now, they'll be a part of the voting block, in two decades from now, they'll be a large contingent of consumers and drive the economy, and in three decades from now they'll be our political, economic, and spiritual leaders. Who are we raising them to be? What are we teaching them about the value of others? Of themselves? How are we modeling it now? Their future, and ours, depends on how we intentionally answer that question - in both word, and in action.
****
if you have any resources you've found that elevate all of the traits we need as humans, especially resources for boys, please send them my way!
****
ps - while exceptions can be found to almost every statement I made in this article, I intentionally chose to speak in broad terms in order to simplify the point. I know plenty of women who make space for men, and plenty of men who fill that space well. I know there are resources for my son, a dear friend recently shared a long list I can't wait to check out (and will likely post here), but they were much, much harder to find than for my daughter. I also acknowledge the large percentage of people who still hold and value traditional gender roles and traits; even though it is not my own, I respect this perspective when it is agreed upon by all involved in those systems (and I have plenty of people in my life, who I love, who would fall in this camp).
No article that addresses gender norms and touches on issues of racism and systemic oppression can be of any reasonable length and still incorporate all of the different perspectives, influences, and factors at play. I did my best to highlight what felt relevant to the main point, and sincerely acknowledge there are other voices that also need to weigh in on this conversation. My hope is that we begin to learn from those we disagree with, honoring difference, and reducing the threat-response we feel when someone says we are wrong (I'm still working on all of that, too , and I really hope you'll join me if you haven't already :)).
****
one reader astutely noted traits like "integrity" and "honesty" weren't listed in this blog and wondered why (thanks for the question!). Many life-giving characteristics were left out because they, in my opinion, have not traditionally been ascribed to one gender and were subsequently not as suited for the primary point of this post. Both men and women have, and continue to be, praised for things like integrity, honesty, generosity, self-control, wisdom, and more.
We absolutely need these traits continually embodied by all people.
Sarah, you have always been and continue to be so thought-provoking, passionate, witty, and eloquent in the ways you communicate. You are inspiring. I pray that the Lord continues to expand your influence that His heart might be communicated through your passion. I can see and agree with much of what you have said. We need more people to make space for the other's gender and more people to speak up on valuing amazing qualities as "people" qualities instead of *only* gender specific. Hope your studies with MFT are going well.
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